School seems to be dragging on forever. After school today, I get to visit my friend Jules at the hospital. Today is the day I am going to confess all my feelings to her. She is the most beautiful girl around. Her chestnut hair shines brilliantly against the sun. Her blue eyes are the first thing you see on her and I get lost in them. And then her smile and her laugh, so vibrant, make me fall for her. I have always had a crush on her, but I don’t want to ruin what we have. Jules is probably the most popular girl in school too, so I doubt she wouldn’t give me the time in day. Everyone at school cares for her and is raising money for her. I wait patiently for the bell to ring, daydreaming about the past. 

I hate that my mom won’t let me stay by her side all day long, for just a single day. What she doesn’t understand is, at school, she assumes I pay attention, but I can’t knowing my best friend is dying and I am not there. My mom’s ruining my life. She doesn’t understand mine and Jules friendship, or that making me go to school is just going to make me lash out more. That F in Chemistry is going to stay that way until I make sure Jules is going to make it. She is my best friend since birth.

She is there for me, day after day, when I am in the hospital for my knee surgery. She is also at my house the whole time I have to take off to heal. Jules is there to take my mind off the pain and it is killing me that I can’t do the same for her…

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Jules has been in the hospital off and on now for quite some time. She was diagnosed with lung cancer when she was just sixteen years old. When she first found out she tried to push me away, especially the days when she was pricked and prodded. But how could I leave my best friend alone in this situation. I would hold her soft hand, and rub her back. I would brush back her hair and wipe away her tears, telling her jokes to get her mind off things. I would do the silliest things just to see that gorgeous smile and see her eyes shine.

The whole time Jules has had cancer, she has had no hope, “Tay, don’t stick around. It will hurt less if you’re not by my side everyday and slowly see me grow weak. All I want is for you to be happy and being around me is just going to bring you down.”

I couldn’t help but cry. It was sad to think she thought I’d leave her alone. I would always try my best to go to every appointment with her. Every radiation, too holding her hair back when puking. She would always apologize, but I didn’t care. I’d jokingly say, “Here’s some gum. I can’t stand your horrid breathe,” saying it with a smile. She would try and punch me as hard as she could, throwing her head back, cheeks turning red. I would pretend to flinch and rub where she punched me to make it seem like she was still strong, but it never hurt.

One day, after radiation, a clump of hair was falling out. She wanted to shave her head, and she let me do it. I was very hesitant at first, I was afraid she would be mad. It took her five years to have her hair grow out the length it was, but she forcefully shoved the clippers to her head. “Do it before I do it myself!” When all her hair was on the ground, she looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m ugly now, no one will ever like me.”

“Jules you are even more beautiful than you were before, don’t be scared.”

Sometimes, if she was too weak and just wanted to lay in the bed and watch tv, she would scooch over, patting the bed for me to lay down next to her. This was my favorite, but it would scare me because she was all bone, no fat at all. She would fall asleep, holding my hand, as peaceful as a angel. She was my angel, whether she knew it or not.

The doctors told her it would make things easier if she wrote emotions down in a journal. I would always read her journal and cry. She always wrote about how she hated how much all the kids in the school has done for her, like bringing in flowers daily. It bothers her because she doesn’t want them to get hurt when she’s gone. She said they should just act like she doesn’t exist to begin with. She was such a strong girl, never seen her this down in my life. The doctor’s told her the other day she only had a few weeks left. Her lungs keep filling with liquids, constricting her breathing.

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… The bell rang, bringing me back to the present. I couldn’t help myself but jump up and run out to my mom’s car. We had to hit every possible red light on the way. I am getting impatient. I didn’t even let my mom park, I made her drop me off. I ran up to the desk asking if I could visit Jules. The nurse got unnervingly quiet.

I yelled, “What is it?!”

“Jules passed away early today. I’m so sorry for your loss. But she did leave us with one request.” The nurse hands me her journal.

I didn’t want her journal and I sure as hell didn’t want to be in the hospital any more. I didn’t care that my mom is waiting in the parking lot, I just ran. I ran as far away as I could before the tears began to fall. I threw a fist into a tree, why did she make me go to school today. I’m gonna regret this for the rest of my life. I fell against the tree and sat on the ground leaning on the tree. The journal fell out of my hands, but I didn’t care. A journal isn’t Jules. I look over because the journal is open to a page.

I am curious to see what page it lands on, and it is about this morning. I gobble up every last thing she wrote down.

“Taylor James, you are the love of my life, you were the reason why I held on for so long. You gave me all the hope I needed to live. When the doctors told me I only had a few more weeks to live, I thought for sure you would be there. I know that I would always push you away, but that’s not what my heart wanted. You showed me what love is, you didn’t care if I looked like crap, you’d still be by my side with a smile. You made me feel beautiful, when I knew that I was ugly. Today I can feel myself slipping away, and I wish that you were here holding my hand. But clearly it’s a one way street, I loved you more than you loved me. When the times get rough, or when I am dying, you choose to not come see me. I don’t think I’m dying from cancer today. I’m dying from you breaking my heart and giving up on me. If you’re giving up on me, than why should I have hope, I too am giving up on myself.”